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Brought to you by Security Forces Christmas Cards

 
For any of you who have worked flight in an SF, SP or AP unit, you'll probably remember remounts.  For the uninitiated, there's a pleasant remount, and an unpleasant remount.  This forum is obviously not a "GI" party or remedial training...it's a place where you can laugh, be somber, and sometimes get righteously angry about the state of things in general.  So having said that, pop open a cold one, kick back and enjoy our Remount.

FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS TODAY...A CHRISTMAS  MESSAGE TO GOAT HUMPER AND COWARDLY PIG USAMA BIN LADEN:  

WISHING YOU AND YOURS A QUICK AND PAINFUL TRIP TO HELL.  FORGET ABOUT ALLAH...YOU'LL NEVER MEET HIM.  PUT YOUR NOSE ON THE GROUND AND YOUR ASS IN THE AIR...'CAUSE WE'RE COMING FOR YOU.

Santa's Check Ride

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolph`s nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa`s weight and balance calculations for the sled`s enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa`s surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you`re gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

ADVISORY

 The following section contains language and/or material that may be offensive to some.  In addition, irreverent references to Santa Claus may adversely alter the belief systems of certain readers.  It is therefore recommend that children, JEEPS, and Second Lieutenants DO NOT read the following, but skip down to the next section.  

WHEN SANTA RUNS OUT OF PROZAC-


Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,  like in the song?
              Love,
              Jessica

Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your
house...
Santa

*****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career as a lawncare specialist or a Marine.
How about I send you a damn book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa

*******************************************************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

   *******************************************************
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I
really really want a fire truck this year!
Love,
Joey

Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you.  While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house.
You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.
Santa

  *******************************************************
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas I'd like for my mommy
and daddy to get back together.  Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot little affair your dad's still having with the
babysitter?   He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son!
Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa

  *******************************************************
Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please!  All my friends have more Pokemon cards  than me.  Please see what you can do.
Love,
Michelle

Dear Michelle,
It blows my mind.  Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds of
dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game.  Let me get you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders."
Santa

*******************************************************
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum
kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays?

Santa

  *******************************************************
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the backdoor.
            Love,
            Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face.  You
want to be a kiss-ass?  Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some
Toblerone.
Santa

*******************************************************
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
              Your friend,
              Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China.  I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most
my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at
the craps table.  Hey, YOU wanted to know!
Santa
*******************************************************

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE,
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't
cut it up here.  You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

  *******************************************************
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
            Love,
            Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky,"  that's why you're getting your ass
whipped at school.  Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a
low-rent apartment complex you're living in.  Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams!
Santa

 

 

DADDY, WHAT IS A VET?

Some veterans bear visible signs of their service: a missing limb, a jagged scar, a certain look in the eye.

Others may carry the evidence inside them: a pin holding a bone together, a piece of shrapnel in the leg - or perhaps another sort of inner steel: the soul's ally forged in the refinery of adversity.

Except in parades, however, the men and women who have kept America safe wear no badge or emblem.

You can't tell a vet just by looking.

What is a vet?

He is the cop on the beat who spent six months in Saudi Arabia sweating two gallons a day making sure the armored personnel carriers didn't run out of fuel.

He is the barroom loudmouth, dumber than five wooden planks, whose overgrown frat-boy behavior is outweighed a hundred times in the cosmic scales by four hours of exquisite bravery near the 38th parallel.

She - or he - is the nurse who fought against futility and went to sleep sobbing every night for two solid years in Da Nang.

He is the POW who went away one person and came back another - or didn't come back AT ALL.

He is the Quantico drill instructor who has never seen combat - but has saved countless lives by turning slouchy, no-account rednecks and gang members into Marines, and teaching them to watch each other's backs.

He is the parade - riding Legionnaire who pins on his ribbons and medals with a prosthetic hand.

He is the career quartermaster who watches the ribbons and medals pass him by.

He is any of the three anonymous heroes in The Tomb Of The Unknowns, whose presence at the Arlington National Cemetery must forever preserve the memory of all the anonymous heroes whose valor dies unrecognized with them on the battlefield or in the ocean's sunless deep.

He is the old guy bagging groceries at the supermarket - palsied now and aggravatingly slow - who helped liberate a Nazi death camp and who wishes all day long that his wife were still alive to hold him when the nightmares come.

He is an ordinary and yet an extraordinary human being - a person who offered some of his life's most vital years in the service of his country, and who sacrificed his ambitions so others would not have to sacrifice theirs.

He is a soldier and a savior and a sword against the darkness, and he is nothing more than the finest, greatest testimony on behalf of the  finest, greatest nation ever known.

So remember, each time you see someone who has served our country, just lean over and say "Thank You." That's all most people need, and in most cases it will mean more than any medals they could have been awarded or were awarded.

Two little words that mean a lot, "THANK YOU".

Remember November 11th is Veterans Day

"It is the soldier, not the reporter,
Who has given us freedom of the press.
It is the soldier, not the poet,
Who has given us freedom of speech.
It is the soldier, not the campus organizer,
Who has given us the freedom to demonstrate.
It is the soldier,
Who salutes the flag,
Who serves beneath the flag,
And whose coffin is draped by the flag,
Who allows the protestor to burn the flag."

Father Denis Edward O'Brien, USMC

A Christmas Poem

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone
In a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone.
I had come down the chimney with presents to give,
And to see just whom in this home did live.
I looked all about, a strange sight did I see,
No tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.
No stocking by the mantle, just boots filled with sand,
On the wall hung pictures of far distant lands.
With medals and badges, awards of all kinds,
A sober thought came through my mind.
For this house was different, it was dark and dreary,
I found the house of a soldier, once I could see clearly.
The soldier lay sleeping, silent, alone,
Curled upon the floor in this one bedroom home.
The face was so gentle, the room in such disorder,
Not how I pictured a United States soldier.
Was this the hero of whom I just read?
Curled up on a poncho, the floor for a bed?
I realized the families I saw on this night,
Owed their lives to these soldiers, who were willing to fight.
Soon round the world the children would play,
And grownups would celebrate a bright Christmas day.
They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year,
Because of the soldiers, like the one lying here.
I couldn't help wonder how many lay alone,
On a cold Christmas Eve, in a land far from home.
The very thought brought a tear to my eye,
I dropped to my knees and started to cry.
The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice,
"Santa, don't cry, this life is my choice;
I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more,
My life is my God, my country, my Corps."
The soldier rolled over and drifted to sleep,
I couldn't control it, I started to weep.
I kept watch for hours, so silent and still
And we both shivered from the cold night's chill.
I didn't want to leave on that cold, dark night
This Guardian of Honor so willing to fight.
The soldier rolled over, with a voice soft and pure,
Whispered, "Carry on, Santa,
It's Christmas Day, All is secure."
One look at my watch and I knew he was right
Merry Christmas, my friend, and to all a Good Night!

-Author Unknown

 

The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)

1. Army Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

2. Army Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

3. Army Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using counter-mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

4. Army Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

5. Army Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

6. Army Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes to squash.

7. Army Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded medals.

8. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill Muslim extremist snakes.

9. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

10. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

11. Marine Recon: Follows snake, and reports its movements.
12. USAF Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.  

13. Supply (All Branches): (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)

14. Food Services (All branches): Feeds snake.  Snake does not die, but wishes it could.

15. USAF Civil Engineer. Scrapes dead snake off of road surface, throws carcass into trash.

16. USAF F-15 pilot: Mis-identifies snake as enemy Mi-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.  
17. USAF F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses snake target, but gets direct hit on Embassy 100 KM East of snake due to weather (Too hot also too cold, was clear but too overcast, too dry with rain, unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

18. Army Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure, all in time for happy hour.

19. Army AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO's without power lines or SAM's.

20. Army UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
.

21. Judge Advocate General (JAG) (All Branches): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

22. Intelligence officer: Snake ? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

23. USAF B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
24. USAF Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

25. USAF Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

26. USAF Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.

27. Military Police. MP shoots snake. Lays a .38 caliber pistol on the ground and claims that the snake was reaching for a gun.

28. USAF Security Forces: If snake has line badge in its possession or is not posing threat to nuclear weapons, lets it pass. If snake does not have restricted area badge, jacks it up, apprehends it, and transports snake to desk to be turned over to its commander.

 

What it means to be the wife on an SP

"What is an SP wife?"  An SP wife is a woman who is married to a man, who is "married" to his job, his shield and his squadron.

An SP wife can usually be found making breakfast at midnight, picking up uniforms, ironing them, waiting and spending nights alone.

An SP wife must be a good listener, not questioning him or his hours.  She must be understanding when he goes out for a beer with the guys, when he doesn't feel like taking her to the movies or has WAPS to study for.  She must be patient when he talks about living with a gun and the fear of terrorists haunting his community and the people he swore to protect.

An SP wife must live with shift work, alerts, "What holidays?", bad jokes, ulcers, alcohol, stress, bullet-proof vests and a fixed income.  She must learn words like robbery, rape, assault, child abuse, accidents, extra duty, training, off-duty appointments and recalls.  She is familiar with night school, overtime, TDY's and being on her own.

Most women are not born or raised to be an SP wife; it is something they choose to do.  Some can, others cannot.  She will spend each day learning, listening to, understanding and having a man that few people understand or respect and whom most hate.

An SP wife makes beds, breakfast and love to a man who spends more time with M-16's, dirt, reports and partners than he does with her.  She attends dinners, meetings, and sometimes funerals.

When an SP wife kisses him as he leaves for work, she will make a silent wish that he will return to her.  Each time there's a knock at the door, she will pray that it will not be the commander or the chaplain coming to say a few kind things about her husband and how brave he was - how dedicated he was.

Being an SP wife means a lot of trust, love and worry, but when he says, "I love you," and when you know what he does for a living is important to him and to you, it makes it all worthwhile.

-Name and location withheld

 

Operation Christmas

MEMORANDUM FOR 28 SPTG/CV
28 SPTG/CC
28 BW/CV
28 BW/CC

FROM 28 SPTG/MW

SUBJECT Official Visit of Lieutenant General Santa (NMI) Claus

1. An official visit by Lt. General Claus is expected in this area on 25 December 1994. The following directions will govern activities of personnel during subject visit:

a. Not a creature will stir without official permission. This will include assigned and attached native mice. Special stirring permits for necessary administrative action will be obtained through normal command channels. Mice stirring permits may be obtained from Central Security Control (CSC), Ellsworth AFB.

b. Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter’s nap prior to 2200 hours, 24 Dec. 1994. Uniform for said nap: Pajamas, cotton, light, drowsing, with OG kerchief, general purpose, cap, BDU, or pile, with ear flaps. Equipment will be drawn from squadron supply sections prior to 1900 hours, 24 December 1994.

c. Personnel will utilize standard Ellsworth AFB sugar plums for visions to dance through their heads. This item will be drawn from the Aerospace Ground Dining Facility Manager.

d. Stocking, wool, cushion sole, OG-106, will be hung by the chimneys with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fires caused by carelessly hung stockings. Safety officer will submit stocking hanging plans to this headquarters prior to 0800 hours, 22 December 1994.

e. At first sign of clatter from lawn, all troops will spring from their beds to investigate and evaluate cause. Immediate action will be taken to avoid toppling bunks while tearing open shutters and throwing open window sashes. Ellsworth AFB OI "Saint Nick" (Reference Annex C, paragraph 6 (c) this headquarters, 2 December 1994) will be in effect to facilitate shutter tearing and sash throwing. Supervisors will familiarize all personnel with procedures and are responsible for seeing that no shutters are torn or sashes thrown prior to start of official clatter.

f. Prior to 2400 hours date of visit, all personnel will be assigned Wondering Eye stations. After shutters are torn and sashes thrown, these stations WILL be manned.

g. Vehicle Dispatch will assign one each sleigh, miniature, M-113, and eight (8) each deer, rein, tiny, for use by General Claus. Driver assigned must have current rooftop license and be able to shout clearly: "On Dasher, On Dancer, On Prancer, and Vixen, Up Comet, Up Cupid, On Donner and Blitzen."

2. General Claus will enter unit quarters through chimneys. All units without chimneys, simulate. Chimney simulators will be drawn on SF CS 1234-A and submitted through Base Supply, in triplicate, prior to 19 December 1994.

3. Troops will be rehearsed in the shouting of "Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night." This shout will be given on the termination of General Claus’ visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of Squadron Commanders.

 

KRIS M. KRINGLE, USAF

 

1st Ind, 28 SPTG/CC

TO All Base Personnel

I expect all personnel to comply with the requirements of this letter. Particular attention must be paid to paragraph 2. Late requests will not be honored. Merry Christmas.

 

2nd Ind , 28 BW/CC

TO All Base Personnel

The upcoming visit by Lieutenant General Claus is very important to the Ellsworth community. I want to ensure that the best support possible is provided. If you encounter any equipment problems, contact me directly. Merry Christmas.

 

Many of the Military Graphics courtesy of Regulator 7's Military Graphics Center.

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